Fear and Parenthood: Why Courage Is Every Parent’s Superpower
How Moms Find Courage: Turning Fear Into Strength
I remember when my husband and I were preparing to leave the continental U.S. and decided to mark the moment with cliff jumping at Flaming Gorge. Terrifying doesn’t even cover it. For my first “jump,” I couldn’t jump at all—I crawled to the edge, dangled my feet, pretended to be checking my strength, and held on until my fingers finally slipped.
The fall was actually longer than I thought.
Deciding and planning to be a parent feels the same—pure courage. There is so much to fear as a mom, both for ourselves and our kids. Becoming a mom was a leap I didn’t look back from. The fall was actually longer than I thought.
Courage, taking the leap, isn’t about not being scared, it’s about moving even with that fear. Moms that I have the privilege of knowing are rewriting what courage looks like.
I try to remind myself what Brown wrote in her book, Daring Greatly, “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
2. What Fear Teaches Us as Parents
I think my greatest fear is that I am not what my children deserve. The small consolation is knowing that showing up—simply being there—is what they truly need.
Having the courage to show up and do my best, even when I don’t feel like enough, is something my kids can see and learn from.
That fear isn’t only an obstacle—it’s also information:
It reveals how deeply I love my boys.
It exposes how loud my inner critic can be.
In that way, fear reminds me that giving myself space to show up and try—to be vulnerable and courageous—is deeply important.
And it’s not only the big fears, like whether I’m the mom they deserve, how to navigate career shifts, or if we’ll have financial stability. It’s also the small fears: Is this food right? Are they getting enough sleep? Will they make friends? These worries, too, reveal my priorities, but they can be just as paralyzing.
The trick—one I’m still learning—is to let fear inform me without letting it stop me. To “show up” for myself and my family (Brown, 2015). Because as Brené Brown reminds us, “What we know matters, but who we are matters more” (2015).
I think back to when I jumped off that cliff in Wyoming. That leap wasn’t about the cliff itself—it was about me. A reminder that I am the only thing I can truly control.
Sometimes courage looks like the leap: moving to Puerto Rico, starting a family, buying a house. Other times, it looks like the climb back up: re-entering the workforce, adopting and training a sweet puppy, navigating toddlerhood.
And toddlerhood is its own kind of cliff. Imagine being small and everything around you feels new, unpredictable, overwhelming. No wonder it feels scary—for them and for us as parents. As Peter Gray (2013) writes: “In free play, children learn to deliberately dose themselves with moderate amounts of fear … and they thereby learn how to control not only their bodies, but also their fear.”
Just as I want my children to build confidence by facing and managing their fears, I have to do the same. “Trustful parents … allow children to make their own decisions, take risks, and learn from their own mistakes … building self-confidence and emotional resilience” (Gray, 2013). If I want that for them, I must also practice it for myself.Because it is only in that trust—in taking risks and making mistakes—that self-confidence grows and emotional resilience strengthens.
3. Modeling Courage for Our Kids
Speaking of modeling… lately I’ve been working out more (another post for another day). As a result, I’ve seen more definition in my muscles. I’ve noticed H, my oldest, flexing his muscles more. Tonight in the car, he said, “Mom, I might be stronger than you because I’ve been working out, too.”
Ha! The confidence! Kids don’t just hear what we say, they see how we live. I can see that in my boys’ love for nature, in how they talk to each other, in how they cherish books at bedtime. I see it in their successes and my mistakes. Bandura (1977) reflects those findings, “...most human behavior is learned observationally through modeling from others.”
Take this hike, for example. We love hikes. Just the other day, H asked when we were taking our puppy hiking for the first time. So, of course we did.
Months ago, however, we decided to hike to the peak in south Puerto Rico. It was beautiful and sunny. The hike was long and steep, but so fun! H, three at the time, and Al hiked together, and I carried five month old E on my chest. Then, on the way down, it rained.
It was hard to navigate steep, muddy terrain with two toddlers. There were bumps and bruises, but H still loved hiking -- apart from the big slip and bock near the end.
E, our two year old, is eager to try saying new words. H is learning to try food to discover if you don’t like it. We are trying to lean into discomfort. Sometimes we use the phrasing, “Ooo, I want that, too. We can’t get it now.”
Discomfort shows up in the small things too—like sitting with boredom on long car rides, cleaning up messes together, or learning to apologize. It’s a hard but important lesson for children to learn.
Modeling how to experience discomfort is important. Woodgate et al. (2017) found that modeling grit, vulnerability, and steady love teaches courage through lived example.
I’m not always a great model, but I tell you what, I’m showing up.
4. Fear and Adventure: Two Sides of the Same Coin
It might sound strange, but fear is what makes adventure possible. Every great story has a challenge or obstacle that makes your heart skip—or stop for a beat.
Brene Brown said, ““Daring greatly is being brave and afraid every minute of the day at the exact same time” (2015). Courage doesn’t mean you aren’t scared—it means moving forward anyway. Adventure almost always holds both bravery and fear at the same time.
The same is true with your story. As I write this, my heart drops a little. Adventures are filled with fear and overcoming. Without fear, adventure loses its meaning. Fear sharpens the edge of courage.
“Of all the virtues we can learn no trait is more useful, more essential for survival, and more likely to improve the quality of life than the ability to transform adversity into an enjoyable challenge.” (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). Challenges, often accompanied by fear, can actually become fulfilling adventures when we approach them with the right mindset.
It doesn’t matter if it is cliff jumping in Wyoming, ziplining in Toro Verde, or starting a blog and trying to speak your truth online. When you show up, dare greatly, and be brave, you are embracing the fear and creating an adventure.
5. Reframing Fear for Growth
Something that I would like to more intentionally do is to reframe fear for growth.
It doesn’t have to be, nor should it be, debilitating. Fear can be fuel.
Last summer, Al lost his job rather abruptly and unfairly (if you ask my opinion, but that’s a post for another time). We pooled our resources and got scrappy. I also dusted off my resume and started applying for jobs.
It. Was. Scary. Putting yourself out there always is—but this time felt heavier. I wasn’t just applying for me anymore; I had a family depending on it.
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen” (Brown, 2015).
I had to evaluate, interview, and move through different ideas and roles. I was also still breastfeeding and trying to get H into pre-school. There was so much going on. I had to put myself out there—to show up, be seen, and more often than not, face rejection.
I got a call back from a University here as a part time instructor. We worked out the details, I rocked the interview (after lots of prep), and accepted the job.
Can you believe there was a new wave of fear? Now I had to go back to work in a role that I had never experienced after three years of speaking primarily to two amazing little people who aren’t really academic conversationalists, at least not yet. It was terrifying.
Cue the Taylor Swift mantra: “Cause I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit / They said, ‘Babe, you gotta fake it till you make it’ and I did” (2024). …and I did. I found my rhythm. I worked through it.
That being said, it wasn’t easy. It was hard for me to figure things out and our entire family to adjust to the shift. It reminded me of what Kashdan and Rottenberg found, “Psychological flexibility (PF), defined as the ability to pursue valued life aims despite the presence of distress, is a fundamental contributor to health” (2010).
I had to find my psychological flexibility -- we all pushed through “despite the presence of distress.” It’s a lesson that I’m still trying to absorb.
So now it is time to reframe my fearful moments: instead of “I’m scared to fail as a mom,” it becomes, “This matters enough to risk.” It takes showing up. It takes courage. Those positive steps forward into or through something that gives us fear will strengthen us.
Barbara Fredrickson (2001) actually found that positive emotions counteract and broaden our mindset so that we can see or understand better than the “threat-focused mindset” that fear can induce.
Think about taking the ferry to Culebra with little kids — messy, chaotic, but worth the beauty of Flamenco Beach and the core memories that we still talk about around the dinner table. Sometimes we just need to reframe and see our “fears” through a different lens.
6. Passing Down Courage: The Legacy We Leave
Even when looking through something rose-colored, fear doesn’t disappear.
My oldest, H, likes soccer. He plays with a club here -- nothing serious, just practices. At the end of their two a week practice, they do uno contra uno (1 v. 1). It was scary.
There was a time when H didn't want to go against anyone that could run fast or kick the ball. He was scared to not win. We talked about how we play for fun, how goals are fun but so is running and playing, how these are friends and we have to be kind, etc.
I’m not proud to admit that I also got a little tired. I explained that if he couldn’t be fair to his classmates, we would have to go. He had to give everyone a turn, etc.
Fear doesn’t disappear, but courage can become part of your family story.
Al started sharing about his soccer games more -- his goals, his losses. We played more games; more wins and losses. Eventually H came around, when he was ready. Woodgate (2017) studies chronic illness and found that the resilience in parents often becomes an example for children: seeing parents persist with treatments, hard days, worry, yet still hope, tends to pass on a sense that difficult situations can be endured.
Playing soccer is not the same as overcoming or working through chronic illness, but the concept applies: seeing your resilience, your courage, inspires courage in them. When your kids see you doing hard things — from playing with the risk of loss to career pivots — they learn courage is possible.
When E, our two year old, took swim lessons, we talked about having courage. We read a book called “Soy Valiente.” Then, when it was time to go under the water, I asked him if he was scared. He said, “Yes.” I said, “Would you like to be brave and try it anyway?” To my surprise, he said, “Yes.”
After his quick dunk, E cried—but later, he repeated proudly, “I was brave. Under the water.” You can bet we’ll keep reminding him of that moment. Nelson (2010) explains that parent-child reminiscing (family conversation about past events) helps children build their autobiographical memory and self-understanding. The act of telling stories of family experiences gives children a sense of where they came from — which underlies resilience. Through shared stories, children learn “the structures necessary for storing, organizing, and recalling memories,” including the emotional component of events. This means a child learns not only to remember facts, but to understand how challenging times contributed to who they are.
Being brave, showing up, having courage, embracing fear: it takes a lot of different names. walking through the rain forest of Puerto Rico with my boys — watching them run into new spaces, observe new species, without hesitation, with courage knowing they’ve seen you do the same.
7. Closing Reflection
Just like jumping off the cliff in Wyoming -- the fall is usually longer than we think. Sometimes in that fall, we can learn to embrace and enjoy the splash.
Parenthood is a series of leaps. Sometimes we dive gracefully; other times we claw at the cliff before slipping. Either way, the journey is stitched with courage—your everyday superpower of getting up, showing up, trying again, saying sorry, and embracing challenges.
Tell me about your leaps! Comment here or on instagram.
References
Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice-Hall.
Brown, B. (2015). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Avery.
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. Harper & Row.
Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218–226. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.218
Gray, P. (2013). Free to learn: Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier, more self-reliant, and better students for life. Basic Books.
Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001
Nelson, K. (2010). Narratives of childhood: The role of family conversation in the development of memory. Routledge.
Woodgate, R. L., Safipour, J., Tailor, K., & Wener, P. (2017). Parenting in the context of children’s chronic illness: A metasynthesis. Qualitative Health Research, 27(4), 531–544. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049732316675579
