From Overachiever to Moped Maestra: The Adventure of Learning to Trust the Process

 Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that other people have of you is inauthentic living.

...or so says Eckhart Tolle in his book, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. It's been something I've been thinking a lot about lately. I’ve started realizing that many of the expectations I carry—both the ones I set for myself and the ones shaped by culture or others’ perceptions—don’t quite fit me.

1. A little about me

In high school I was your typical over achiever. Maybe because I was a middle child. Who knows. I did all the activities and as many sports as I could fit. I enjoyed them. I led student groups, started clubs, and aced my classes. 

Then by some miracle -- as my interview would tell me -- I got into the University of Pennsylvania. I was moving from a small town in Wyoming to Philadelphia. I'll tell you what, they couldn't be more different. It was a delightful culture shock, one my identity needed. I volunteered in the community, struggled through classes, and found a group of friends that inspires me to this day (even if I am not very good at keeping in touch). Through the struggle and hustle of my over achieving peers, I felt at home. It was wonderful! 

Along came Al

I then applied to Teach for America. I was a prime candidate and got in. I got to teach and earn a master's degree in Rhode Island where I also got to meet the love of my life, the Messi to my Antonela, my Al. 

Even with Al there sometimes (when he wasn't at school across the country) to pack me meals, It was a struggle. I loved those kids. The coworkers were inspiring. The administration... there will be a solid revenge chapter in my memoir one day. 

The stress was a lot. I also had to deal with inappropriate attention at church and didn't feel safe there anymore. I struggled through body image issues after losing too much weight due to stress. 

It was hard. As a whole, I came out of the experience with a good job, a new degree, a fellowship, a stronger sense of self, and a husband. I'd do it again (with more self compassion, I think). 

New Beginnings

After, I found a job with Saprea in Utah while Al finished his bachelor's. We thrived. Hiked, explored, enjoyed family close by, and figured out what it meant to be married. 

During that first year, we had planned on moving to D.C. but I loved my job and we decided to stay for a bit longer, until graduation. I'm grateful that Al and I could work through and compromise. We decided that our plans post graduation would be the Peace Corps. We applied, were accepted, even Al was delivered plane tickets, but we were dropped last minute. 

The shoes kept dropping

Then came covid. We were two kids. Homeless. Jobless. ...and then a pandemic. It was a disaster. We had opportunity after opportunity fall through as Al found a job with a law firm he had interned with every summer of undergrad and I was a substitute teacher. Eventually our lives leveled out and we decided to expand our family. 

Al's job made more. I figured I would stay home with the kids for the first few years or so. It was lovely. Then we were given the opportunity to move to Puerto Rico. Even though I was 26 weeks pregnant, we jumped in! 

We love Puerto Rico and were disappointed when, after making various promises, including paying for Al to go to law school, we were offered the ultimatum to move or be fired (and in two month's time). I'm still a little salty (but that could be because we go to the beach so often). Either decision was a struggle. In PR, we built a home, had two children, created a community, but without financial security, it was daunting. 

In the end, we decided to struggle happily. We thought the struggle wouldn't last so long, but here we are still looking for the right fit. 

2. Back on the Wagon

It was hard for me to shift from working woman, overachiever to stay at home mom. Covid and the failure after failure of applications and missed opportunities did soften the blow a little, I'll admit. I also just LOVE our little guys. Being their mom, and the privilege it was to stay at home, is something I'll always be grateful for. It did, however, come with a bit of an identity crisis. 

Then as I found my groove, I had to jump back in to the job market. Stressful. It is even harder here for me because I am not fluent in Spanish. Conversational? Maybe (but not after 7PM). Fluent? No way!

I was surprised when I got a part time teaching gig at a private university here. I was terrified. College students?! AH. Then, I found my groove. Still working on balancing it with home. How is there always more to grade?! As Tolle says, “The primary cause of unhappiness is never your situation but your thoughts about it”—something I’ve been trying to remind myself when juggling work and family.

...or at least that is what I have been trying to remember

Job #2

Then I found another job as the director and professor of a newly established ESL program for a private school. Their curriculum is fully English. It was not what I was expected. As a data-driven, project-based, student-centered educator, I was a little thrown off by some seemingly backwards or outdated methods. Honestly, the lack of access to technology for a "private school" still floors me a little bit. 

That being said, teachers are just great humans. I love working with people who chose to be teachers. Sincerely. If you are a teacher. I just am grateful for you and I am sure we would get along. Creating and holding boundaries in this job helped me to remember "Sometimes letting go of things is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on" (Tolle).

And maintaining those boundaries as a teacher can be very challenging. As I am paid hourly, I only work there, never at home. I've also let go of my expectations and am allowing perfection not be the enemy of good.  

Boundaries and letting go

My perfectionism really took a hit with this job. My expectations and work ethic should be applauded and had to be adjusted. We bought a moped so Al could take the boys to school. The k-12 students think I'm so cool. The Moped Maestra... maybe I am so cool? Is this a graphic novel waiting to be written and illustrated? Maybe. (...but actually if you're interested, please reach out.)

Awareness is the greatest agent for change (Tolle).

With these two hard and fulfilling jobs, I still have such a pull to my boys. I race home, wait until they're asleep, pack everything the night before. I miss them. I miss being their all day every day (even though I am sure I complained to Al about it). 

To be honest, I also felt pretty guilty about working. There was a social/cultural narrative I was raised with that still echoes "working moms are bad moms" through my subconscious no matter how consciously I know it is wrong. 

3. Now what

Honestly... you tell me. 

I'm a dreamer. I used chat GPT (I know shortcuts, but sometimes you need a free feedback loop, ok) to riddle down my expectations of myself, my values, what I wanted for my family. I analyzed my areas of expertise and I've been applying to jobs that will work for my family. It's kind of a tricky fit. Of course, I'd prefer financial security, but I'd also prefer to live here in the home I've created. 

Lately, however, I am trying to be more present. Within the last month, our moped was broken, fridge died, and a pipe under our toilet broke. We are living in what feels like a booby trap -- one wrong step and who knows. Even in this trap, there is so much joy. 

An abundance of...

We grow our own fruit, gather eggs, raise two little boys and a puppy. We just "installed" a composter in our garden (really a five gallon bucket with the bottom cut off). I write a weekly blog that I enjoy even if no one reads it (hello no one, I sincerely love you and am grateful for your support). There is so much good. 

Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance (Tolle).

We are abundant in good currently. Also stress, but also good. So now, we are going to press ahead, apply to jobs that look interesting and apply well. 

Who cares

Me. I care. I am learning that awareness -- of my expectations, my limits, my joys -- is just as important as having all the answer. That is a hard lesson for a person like me. I'm growing in the knowledge that even when life doesn't go according to the plan (or even plan B or C or X), trusting the process allows me to move forward with curiosity, patience, and a sense of possibility.

As presence minded as Eckhart Tolle is, my real example is Al. He marches in stride. He finds pockets of joy. Honestly, he's going beyond "making the most of something." He's breathing life and love into our home. Something about Al is that he is flexible and adaptable and I am not. He had to teach me to be. Well, he and our circumstances. I'm just grateful that Al is such a patient teacher. 

What about you? How do you stay present and learn to trust your journey, even when it's messy? I mean, maybe you're still learning to trust, like me. Comment here or reach out on Instagram. I'd love to hear from you!