Practicing Self Compassion & Celebrating Small Wins: Part 5 from Guilt to Growth
I. The Inner Critic Shows Up Early
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings, I wake up at 5:30 AM to get to work early. Usually, I’ve done my prep the night before — packed snacks, chilled a Coke Zero, laid out my clothes. I also set out H’s school things for Al. These days, though, E’s been waking up around 4:30, so I rock him back to sleep before pretending to rest for ten more minutes.
I do this not because I have it all together, but because it helps me protect some balance between home and work. As an adjunct professor, I do all my course prep at school — not just because it’s practical, but because it’s one way I remind myself: You are more than this job.
But one morning, I just couldn’t hack it.
I was only thinking about myself — and of course, that’s all my inner critic needed to hear. I got toothpaste on my blazer, we hadn't grocery shopped, so there were no easy snacks, and I ended up grabbing a breakfast sandwich and a soda on the way. The sandwich wasn’t filling, and the soda spilled in my lap.
I drove to campus with the A/C blasting, hoping to dry the spill before class. Then, when I got there, most of my students were late or didn’t show up. There was missing work, misunderstood instructions. I felt defeated. That’s when the voice crept in: You shouldn’t even be doing this. You’re a mess. You left your babies for this? Are you even good at it?
That voice — the one that says, ‘If it’s not perfect, it’s not good enough’ — I know it all too well. And I’m learning, slowly, that perfection isn’t the point. Showing up with honesty, softness, and a little grit? That’s where the real strength is.
In her book Braving the Wilderness, Brené Brown writes:
“It’s not about having a tough front and a tough back. It’s about having a strong back — being grounded in our values — a soft front — being open and vulnerable — and a wild heart — living out our most authentic, wholehearted self.”
That’s going to be our theme today. Vulnerability doesn’t come easily for me. I’d rather wear the polished shield of she’s got it together. It feels safer. But it’s not better.
“The mark of a wild heart,” Brown continues, “is living out the paradox of love in our lives... brave and afraid — all in the same moment.”
So today, we’re going to explore what it means to embrace that wild heart. Let’s talk about practicing self-compassion and celebrating small wins — not as luxuries, but as the tools that help us live with both softness and strength.
II. Understanding Self Compassion
When I first hear the words self-compassion, my brain immediately jumps to self-care. But while the two are related, they’re not the same. Think of it like the square-and-rectangle rule: self-care is a part of self-compassion, but self-compassion encompasses much more.Self-care is about what you do — taking a break, going for a walk, drinking water, maybe even hiding in the bathroom for two minutes of peace. Self-compassion is about how you treat yourself, especially in hard moments. It’s not just your actions — it’s the tone of voice in your head when things go sideways.
Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers in this field, defines compassion this way:
“Compassion is, by definition, relational. Compassion literally means ‘to suffer with,’ which implies a basic mutuality in the experience of suffering.”
Compassion literally means ‘to suffer with,’ implying mutuality in the experience of suffering. This concept shifts the conversation—no longer do we shame ourselves for struggling, but instead, we offer ourselves grace, as we would a friend. It’s not indulgence; it’s inner solidarity.
Think back to the story I shared in the introduction. What if, instead of listening to that inner critic and second-guessing everything, I had responded with compassion? A little solidarity might have shifted how I engaged with my class — and how I recovered from the messy morning, both my mistakes and theirs.
And there’s research to support that shift. A 2023 study by Fatemesadat Mirshafiei found that self-compassion therapy significantly reduced parenting stress and improved the quality of parent-child relationships. In other words, being kind to yourself doesn’t just help you — it helps your kids too.
I didn’t grow up with a clear model of self-compassion. My mother was, and is, extraordinarily capable — the kind of woman who does it all with grace. And while I admire that deeply, I sometimes wonder if she ever gave herself the same kindness she gave everyone else. I say this not as a criticism, but as a reflection: modeling self-compassion is hard when it hasn’t been modeled for you.
We tend to think of compassion as soft, maybe even weak. But what if we flipped the script? What if compassion is actually a form of strength — one that allows us to show up fully, admit what’s hard, and keep going anyway?
Brené Brown puts it perfectly:
“Compassionate people are boundaried people… They assume that other people are doing the best they can, but they also ask for what they need and don’t allow themselves to be used or mistreated.”This idea brings us full circle to what we explored in Post 4 — the importance of creating and honoring boundaries. Self-compassion isn’t just an inward practice; it affects how we engage with the world. It helps us stand firm in our values while still leading with grace and openness. When we hold boundaries with others, we’re also showing kindness to ourselves.
— Brené Brown, Rising Strong (2015)
So maybe, in those tough moments, self-compassion looks like pausing. Reframing. Speaking gently. Holding the line. And remembering: it’s not perfection that makes us strong — it’s the courage to stay soft where it matters, and strong where it counts.
III. Developing a relationship with yourself
Now, when I say “develop a relationship with yourself,” I am not recommending sologamy — although according to Wikipedia, it’s not legally binding anyway, so I guess no one’s getting hurt. But seriously, what I mean is this: learning to treat yourself like someone you actually want to spend time with.
It goes back to Brené Brown’s image of having a soft front, strong back, and wild heart. In real parenting situations, this might mean showing up to the chaos — the tantrums, the forgotten lunches, the never-ending laundry — without armoring up. Without pretending we’ve got it all figured out.
For me, showing up with a “soft front” often means letting my kids see that I don’t always have the answers, and that sometimes, I’m overwhelmed too. That’s vulnerable — and it doesn’t always feel natural. But when I allow myself to be human in front of them, it creates space for connection. That’s what building a relationship with yourself makes possible: a softer, more honest way of relating — not just to you, but to everyone else around you.
Take last night, for example. It was E’s birthday. H helped me wrap presents, decorate, and was thrilled about the tractor cake. On the big day, he helped E unwrap gifts, put his toys together, and sing "Happy Birthday." But he also had three unbelievably large meltdowns about sharing E’s new presents. It was a rough day.
That night, after I tucked E in, I climbed the ladder to H’s top bunk. I kissed his cheek and whispered about what a fun day it was. Then I said, “We both made some mistakes today. I shouldn’t have yelled when you were upset. And you can ask calmly for help when you’re frustrated.”
Then I asked, “What do we do with our mistakes?”
Sleepily, H replied, “We learn from them.”
I whispered back, “That’s the great thing about todays: they always turn into tomorrows, and we can do better tomorrow.”
Letting myself be soft with my sweet four-year-old was healing for us both. I was wrong to yell. He was wrong, too. But that moment of vulnerability — that soft front — allowed us to reconnect and strengthen our backs for tomorrow.
There’s research that supports the power of that softness. A 2023 study by Kirby and colleagues found that just a two-hour Compassion-Focused Therapy session helped parents significantly reduce self-criticism — and even improved their children’s emotional and behavioral outcomes. Two hours of practicing self-kindness made a measurable difference. That’s the power of modeling compassion. Our kids don’t need perfect parents — they need present ones. Ones who are kind to themselves.
I hope both E and H grow up knowing how to give themselves grace. And I guess that’s one more reason I need to keep learning how to do it myself — I get to be one of their examples.
This brings us back to Post 4 — where we talked about the comparison trap and the importance of setting boundaries. Developing a healthy relationship with yourself means recognizing when comparison is driving your behavior — and when perfectionism is pushing you past your limits. A strong back lets you hold those boundaries. A soft front lets you admit when things are hard. And together? They give you a wild heart — the kind that shows up messy, but real.
IV. Celebrating Small Wins
I remember when H signed ‘thank you’ for the first time after months of effort. I’d spent weeks modeling that sign, hoping he’d respond. When he finally signed it back to me, my heart just about exploded. It was such a small moment on the outside. But for me? It was everything.
And yet, how often do we really let ourselves celebrate those kinds of moments — the small but hard-won victories? How often do we pause to say, “That mattered,” or “I did okay today,” or even, “I’m learning”?
Parenting is relentless. You’re solving problems before coffee, navigating big feelings before you’ve had a chance to feel your own. In the midst of all that, celebrating small wins isn’t fluff — it’s survival. It’s what keeps us grounded when the big picture feels overwhelming.
Maybe your win today was staying calm during a meltdown. Maybe it was deciding not to spiral after an afternoon of too much screen time and not enough patience. Maybe you didn’t finish the laundry, but you did get everyone fed. That counts.
Author Zoe Blaskey encourages mothers to ditch the guilt and recognize their effort and energy. In her work, she reminds us that the goal isn’t to “do it all,” but to see what we’re already doing — and honor that. The invisible labor, the emotional regulation, the thousand tiny choices we make every day in service of our kids? They matter.
Dr. Aliza Pressman, in The 5 Principles of Parenting, calls self-compassion a key to sustainable parenting. It’s what makes emotional connection with our kids possible in the long run — because when we can extend grace to ourselves, we’re far more likely to extend it to them.
Brené Brown shares that before walking into emotionally vulnerable situations — like giving a talk or having a hard conversation — she sometimes writes herself a literal permission slip. Just like you would on a school field trip. “Permission to be excited,” or “Permission to not have all the answers.” It sounds simple, but it works.
So here’s yours:
Permission to count small wins.Because you don’t need to be perfect. You just need to keep showing up with your wild heart.
Permission to be proud of ordinary things.
Permission to rest, reset, and start again.
What’s one small thing you did today that deserves to be recognized? Share in the comments or on insta.
V. Practical Tips: Building Soft Front and Strong Spine
So what does practicing self-compassion actually look like in a real day — the kind where your toddler has a meltdown over sharing their toys, you spill soda on your lap, and there’s no easy solution in sight? It doesn’t mean bubble baths or spa days (though if that’s your thing, go for it). It means noticing what’s hard, responding with kindness, and finding ways to keep going without shame. Here are a few simple ways to start:1. Try a Self-Compassion Break
Kristin Neff offers a short but powerful practice called a self-compassion break. When you’re in a moment of stress — maybe your child is throwing yet another tantrum, or you’re frustrated because nothing seems to be going right — pause and say to yourself:
This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is a part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
It might feel awkward at first — but saying the words helps interrupt the usual cycle of self-judgment. Over time, that kindness becomes more natural.
2. Track Micro-Wins
Not every win needs to be a big one. Did you take a deep breath before reacting to a meltdown? That counts. Did you manage to laugh off the spilled soda instead of getting upset? That counts too. Keep a note on your phone or a post-it on your mirror: a small log of little things done with care. Talk to your partner and send a text of your small wins to celebrate together. It’s a quiet way of saying, I see you. You're trying. That matters.3. Name and Reframe Negative Self-Talk
Notice when the inner critic speaks up. Try naming it — “Ah, there’s the perfectionist again” — and then gently reframe. If the thought is, I’m a bad mom because I yelled during a tantrum, try: I had a hard moment. That doesn’t define me. It’s not about pretending everything’s fine. It’s about giving yourself the grace to learn.
4. Take a Breath and Speak the Truth
One of the simplest practices is also the hardest: just pause. Take one mindful breath and say to yourself, This is hard, and I’m doing my best. Because most days? You are. And recognizing that is strength.Author Elise Loehnen, in her book On Our Best Behavior (2023), urges women to challenge the cultural scripts that tell us we must be endlessly productive, selfless, and perfect. She writes about giving ourselves permission to rest, to struggle, to rewrite the rules we've been handed — especially the ones that never served us in the first place.
These practices aren’t about getting it “right.” They’re about showing up with intention and compassion — not just for your kids, but for yourself.
VI. Conclusion: Keep Showing Up
Practicing self-compassion isn’t about perfection — it’s about persistence. It’s about reminding yourself, again and again: I can be both soft and strong. I can be both tired and trying. I am allowed to be in process.As I whispered to H the other night, “The great thing about today is that it always turns into tomorrow, and we can do better tomorrow.” Sometimes, that’s all we need: the reminder that each moment — each day — is a chance to try again.
So here’s your reminder: You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t have to be perfect to be present. You just have to keep showing up.
In the final part of this series — Part 6: Embracing Imperfection and Changing the Story — we’ll talk about letting go of the unrealistic scripts we’ve been handed and writing new ones rooted in honesty, hope, and wholeness.
Sources
Kristen Neff Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Kirby, J. N., Hoang, A., & Ramos, N. (2023). A brief compassion focused therapy intervention can help self-critical parents and their children: A randomised controlled trial. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice. https://doi.org/10.1111/papt.12459
Mirshafiei, F. (2023). The effectiveness of self-compassion therapy on reducing parenting stress and improving parent-child relationship quality. Psychology of Women, 4(2), 145–158. https://journals.kmanpub.com/index.php/psywoman/article/view/3273
Pressman, A. (2023). The 5 principles of parenting: Your essential guide to raising good humans. Gallery Books. https://www.vogue.com/slideshow/dr-aliza-pressman-book-party-the-5-principles-of-parenting
Blaskey, Z. (2023, January 25). Want to be a better mum? Ditch the guilt and be kinder to yourself. The Sun. https://www.thesun.co.uk/wellness/29729565/mum-ditch-guilt-kinder-yourself/
Clemons, E. (2023, May 3). Elise Loehnen would like mothers to give themselves a break. Vanity Fair. https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2023/05/elise-loehnen-on-our-best-behavior
