Drawing Boundaries in a World of Comparison: Part 4 from Guilt to Growth
Drawn Lines, Open Hearts: Boundaries That Heal Comparison Wounds
I. Introduction: You’re Not Failing, You’re Comparing
Sometimes our perceptions create traps of comparison—they’re everywhere, and I’ve been noticing them more and more.
Al often gets frustrated with me, and I can’t blame him. He wonders why I seem to be more patient with everyone else—students, colleagues, even family members—but take it out on him. He’s right; it’s strange how the person I love most is the one I feel most comfortable snapping at.
It reminds me of my toddler. He can be so sweet and playful with friends, but then has meltdowns at home. He needs a safe space where he can fully let his guard down – maybe I do too. Al is the person I can 'unload' on, even if it’s not pretty.
It got me thinking about how our perceptions can often be misleading. Sure, it might seem like I’ve got it together (although I’m not entirely sure it even looks that way), but you didn’t see me this morning. I was bra-less at drop-off, food in my teeth, Diet Coke all over my clothes, and praying it would dry before class. On days like that, it’s no surprise I end up snapping, breaking down, and apologizing after the fact. Life is messy, and we only ever see a tiny piece of the full picture.
It’s the same with social media. We’re shown a curated version of life—a glimpse into the lives of others, but only the parts they want us to see. It's all about polished perfection, not the messy, chaotic reality we all know. And before we know it, we’re trapped in comparison, thinking everyone else has it together while we’re barely holding it all together ourselves.
I love that quote. When I feel like judging anyone too harshly, I try to remember that this is just my side of the story. So, when it comes to judging yourself too harshly, remember that same principle applies. Just as I need to be kinder to Al, we all need to show ourselves a little more compassion. This is a reminder to keep that in mind as we dive into the journey ahead—identifying the comparison traps we fall into and building boundaries that protect our time, our energy, and most importantly, our mental health.
Someone, probably my dad, the king of quotes, told me this quote when I was little that always comes to mind when thinking about perceptions. In her autobiographical work, Seduction of the Minotaur (1961), Anaïs Nin introduces a character named Lillian who reflects on a Talmudic saying: 'We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are.' This quote has always stuck with me because it highlights how our own experiences, biases, and moods shape how we see the world around us. When I’m too quick to judge—whether it’s someone else or even myself—this quote helps me remember that I’m only seeing part of the story.
II. What Comparison Costs Us
The Social Media Trap: How Scrolling Shapes our Self-Worth
What the Research Says About Passive Scrolling
Breaking My Own Digital Mirror
Earlier this year, my phone broke, and after some confusion with our provider, I ended up using an old Motorola from a friend (huge thanks to them!). This older phone didn’t support many of my usual apps, including Instagram, which meant I couldn’t scroll passively anymore. My digital habits were suddenly interrupted, and it forced me to confront how much time I was wasting.
Ironically, the one app that did work was Libby, my digital library. Just as I relogged in, two books finally were delivered, books that I had been on hold for a couple months: Digital Minimalism (Newport, 2019) and The Anxious Generation (Haidt, 2024). It felt like fate.Accidental Minimalist: Learning from Cal Newport
Newport says we’ve let tech creep into our lives without much thought. His idea? Be intentional. Use tech that supports your values—not the other way around. He suggests that we need a more intentional approach—developing a personal philosophy to guide how and why we use certain tools in our lives. He says, "Digital minimalism definitively does not reject the innovations of the internet age, but instead rejects the way so many people currently engage with these tools" (Newport, 2019).
I was forced into digital minimalism. While it added some stress and a lot of getting used to, by the time we found an updated phone, I was quite comfortable with my choices. My digital declutter wasn’t a 30-day process, like he recommends, but the declutter was helpful in giving me a little more time to myself rather than the “solitude deprivation” he talks about. I felt myself being a little more grateful and enjoying my time rocking little E to sleep.
It helped me identify how the social media paradox impacted me. The phenomenon where social media can make individuals feel both connected and lonely, happy and sad, highlighting the complex impact of these platforms on well-being. Sometimes while passively scrolling, there was a feeling of connectedness but loneliness.
Replacing Scrolling with Something Real
As I cut back on social media, I also experienced what Newport calls 'The Bennett Principle.' This principle emphasizes the importance of prioritizing meaningful activities over passive consumption. Without the easy escape of scrolling, I started engaging in activities that actually added value to my life—things like working in our garden, playing with my kids, and focusing on real-world connections like working on our garden, building block towers, starting a blog…
Want to Try It? Here’s What Helped Me
If you want to dive deeper into my digital fast, here are some steps I took. Granted, I took them mandatorily, intentionally is better!
- Perform a Digital Declutter: Take a 30-day break from optional technologies to assess their value in your life. (or abrupt and unplanned long break)
Identify High-Value Activities: Determine what truly matters to you and prioritize these activities. (kinda like what we did in our last post)
Reintroduce Technology Intentionally: Select technologies that support your high-value activities and your well-being.
Cultivate Solitude and Reflection: Make time for introspection and activities that enrich your life. (still in progress for me)
Prioritize Real-Life Relationships: Focus on authentic connections with the people you care about. (LOVE the impact this had on my relationships and the presence that I now have in them)
Embrace the Philosophy of “Good Enough”: Resist the pressure to constantly optimize your digital life. (YES! Remember Steinback – don’t let perfect be the enemy of good!)
Looking at My Children Through a Clearer Lens
I was also given the time to reflect on the impact my digital mirror had on me through Jonahtan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (2024). I thought about how not only technology is impacting me but also my sweet toddlers.
Haidt talks specifically about the impact of smartphones and social media on kids since the early 2010s. He identifies a significant increase in anxiety, depression, and self-harm among youth, correlating with the rise of digital technology. While correlations DO NOT mean that they are the root cause, he attributes this shift to the decline of unstructured, play-based childhoods and the overprotection of children, which have led to a "rewiring" of their development.
As a result, I am trying to create places in our lives to have less structure both for my husband and I and for our kids. It’s a pretty great place to have adventures. If you are a nature-lover like us, Puerto Rico is a great place to explore structureless. You can check out my unfinished page here.
The Real Cost of Comparison
What I’ve learned—and what the studies show—is that we need to be mindful of our digital consumption. It’s important to create space to reflect on what truly matters to us, rather than letting social media shape our self-image. Remember: the images we see online aren’t accurate reflections of reality.
As Anaïs Nin said, 'We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are.' So, don’t let social media distort your self-worth. Comparison steals your ability to breathe, to play, and to simply be human.
I know it might seem a little ironic to plug my Insta page after all this, but I try to keep it real—it’s more messy life than polished perfection.
III. Internalized Expectations and the “Perfect Mother”
The Loudest Critic Lives Inside
I was talking with a friend on Instagram about how sometimes the biggest voice of judgment and expectation doesn’t come from an external source, but from within. Andrew Lang (2023), in his book Unmasking the Inner Critic, explains that the inner critic is an internalized voice, often shaped by past experiences and societal conditioning. While it tries to protect us from perceived threats or failures, this trauma voice can be triggered at any moment, sometimes without any real reason.
Lang writes, "The inner critic doesn’t only speak with one voice. It doesn’t always speak with a voice. It developed in order to protect us" (2023). The first step to quieting—because we don’t want to silence—our inner critic is to identify it. For me, it often appears as the angry voice of perfectionism, a constant pull to be the "perfect" mom or parent. It echoes in my mind after I lose my patience with my kids, filling me with shame. It’s the unfinished to-do list that tells me I’m not doing enough. Brené Brown once explained, “Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal” (2010).
Whatever shape that inner critic takes, its goal is always shame. It works like the zoom lens on a camera: When we feel shame, it zooms in tight, and all we see is our flawed self, alone and struggling (Brown, 2010). So, let’s remind ourselves of the cultural issues we've subconsciously subscribed to before figuring out how to take on that inner critic.
As Anaïs Nin once said, "We see the world as we are." Our internalized view of motherhood—the ideal "perfect mother"—is shaped by both personal experiences and the societal lens through which we view it. In the same way, our inner critic reflects the distorted self-image formed by the pressures of these cultural expectations.
The Myth of the Perfect Mother
In the first post of this series, we discussed the “Motherhood Myth.” These cultural expectations give our inner critic a louder voice when it critiques us. A study conducted by Schmidt et al. (2023) shows that, despite societal changes, the "perfect mother" ideal remains pervasive and deeply ingrained. There is this expectation that mothers must be constantly attentive to their children's needs, seamlessly integrate employment into their mothering role, maintain control over both their personal and public selves, and always appear happy and content. These expectations often lead to feelings of guilt and burnout, as we discussed in Part 2. Schmidt et al. (2023) stated, "Over the past two decades, scholars have investigated various aspects of mothering... As accepted and expected rules of behavior... they are reflected in various endorsed practices or target states of mothers, in discourses about mothers, and in the strategies and reactions of mothers."
We’ve talked about this! We know it! And still, the inner critic builds pressure. "Research has shown that women’s feelings of being pressured to be a perfect mother are related to increased maternal guilt, lower self-efficacy beliefs, and higher stress levels—even when these women do not hold strong intensive mothering beliefs themselves" (Henderson et al., 2016).
Breaking the Cycle
Start small. Poco a poco. Baby steps.
"What is one moment in your day when you hear your inner critic the loudest? How might you respond differently with kindness instead of judgment?" This question invites you to reflect and makes the advice more actionable.
First, identify your inner critic.
How Do We Combat Such a Loud Voice?
I want to start by admitting that I am not an expert. This is just a testament to my research—and, mostly, what has worked (or what I’m trying to make work) for me. Stinckens, Lietaer, and Leijssen (2013) explored various approaches to dealing with inner critics. They stress that each person may need a different approach. I took a "critic-friendly" approach, starting by acknowledging it.
Acknowledge it. Maybe, at one point, that inner critic did protect you. Perhaps it kept you safe from criticism. But now, for me, that voice is so loud that it’s hard to hear my partner telling me over and over that I am enough—that I do enough, and that I am good enough.
My inner critic, just like Verywell Mind describes in The Toxic Effects of Negative Self-Talk, can take one of these forms:
Catastrophizing: Expecting the worst-case scenario.
Overgeneralizing: Making broad conclusions based on a single event.
Filtering: Focusing solely on the negative aspects of a situation.
Personalizing: Blaming oneself for events outside one's control.
My inner critic gets a real kick out of blaming me. By simply identifying the critic, we can disrupt the pattern of negativity that often harms our mental and emotional well-being.
The Power of Self Compassion
Self-Kindness: Treating oneself with warmth and understanding during moments of pain or failure, rather than harsh judgment.
- Common Humanity: Recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience, which connects us to others rather than isolates us.
- Mindfulness: Maintaining a balanced awareness of our emotions and thoughts, allowing us to observe them without over-identifying or suppressing them.
- Mindful Breathing: Engaging in short sessions of mindful breathing to center oneself and reduce stress.
- Self-Compassion Breaks: Taking moments throughout the day to offer oneself kindness and understanding.
- Journaling: Writing letters to oneself from the perspective of a compassionate friend.
- Loving-Kindness Meditation: Practicing meditation focused on sending love and compassion to oneself and others.
What Works for Me?
I have listened to, read, and re-listened to Becky Kennedy’s book, Good Inside. I think I like it so much because it resonates with me. When I have a tricky moment where that inner critic’s voice is particularly loud, I remind myself that two things can be true: I am a good mom and I just yelled at my boys. We have weak moments. We mess up. Guess what? It is okay.
You can be a good mom/parent and make mistakes. What matters is what happens after that mistake. This mantra helps quiet that motherhood-myth-fueled inner critic. Slowly, that voice has gotten a little quieter and smaller. Believe me, it’s still there—but a stronger, truer voice is also there.
As Kennedy (2022) writes, "We don’t have to choose between two supposedly oppositional realities. We can avoid punishment and see improved behavior. We can parent with a firm set of expectations and still be playful. We can create and enforce boundaries and show our love. We can take care of ourselves and our children. Similarly, we can do what’s right for our family, and our kids can be upset. We can say no and care about our kids’ disappointment."
Grow Your Garden
A good friend sent me a reel the other day about how she doesn’t have a village—she has a garden (if you’ve seen this reel, please tag me so I can give her credit!). Maybe it’s because I love gardens, but the imagery was beautiful. She talked about her mom friendships and how they grow because they are reciprocal—each friend doing what they can to help another.
I hope you all have at least one friend that you can text about a bad day, meet at the McDonald’s playland with, and dream about adventures. If you don’t, build it.
I have one friend I absolutely adore, and I’m still trying to grow my garden. I also have a busy sister chat that I rely on when I feel a little out of sorts or lonely. Building—or growing—a community of people with shared experiences, and sharing your efforts, not only helps you but also reshapes the cultural motherhood narrative that is plaguing us.
IV. Boundaries as Resistance: Redefining How You Show Up
To keep building on the garden metaphor — something I’ve been learning as I try (and sometimes fail) to grow things — is that everything thriving needs boundaries. Boundaries aren't just reactive defense mechanisms. They're active resistance against perfectionism and comparison culture. They’re the fences that protect growth.
Sometimes boundaries look simple on the outside — like saying “no” to a pool playdate and heading to the beach instead — but they’re actually a radical act of self-preservation. As Brené Brown says, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others” (Brown, 2010).
Here are some boundaries that have made a real difference in my own life:
1. Honoring Yourself
Your attention is your most valuable resource (Newport, 2019). Treat it that way. Don’t downplay your own importance. If your inner critic is as persistent as mine, try this one: “I am good” (Kennedy, 2022). It might sound cheesy, but it’s slowly working for me. Every time I say it, a little more of it sinks in.
2. Carve out space for just you
Whether you call them “mom pockets,” “Unicorn Space” (Rodsky, 2021), or just a darn minute to breathe — give yourself time to be you. Personal, creative fulfillment isn’t optional; it’s foundational. (Cough cough… maybe start a blog? Just saying.)
This kind of space reinforces that YOU matter. That your time matters. Keep reminding yourself.
3. Grow Strong Relationships by Guarding Your Energy
Seligman reminds us that true flourishing requires agency, engagement, and nourishing relationships — all made possible by protecting your energy and focus (2011). That means giving yourself permission to say no. To change plans. To take a rain check without guilt.
Boundaries are especially tricky online. But they’re essential. Creating digital boundaries has reshaped the way I view my own life — and myself. As Brown says, “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment” (Brown, 2010).
If you're not sure where to begin, try these steps inspired by Digital Minimalism:
Three Ways to Build Digital Boundaries
Create Guardrails
Set time limits for social media. Create personal rules, like no scrolling when you’re anxious or trying to fall asleep. Delete apps that pull you in too easily. Give yourself some friction.
Curate What You See
Pay attention to how you feel when you're online. Unfollow or mute anything that sparks shame, guilt, or comparison. You don’t need that in your life.
Choose Expanders, not Triggers
Fill your feed with people and stories that inspire joy, growth, creativity. Be thoughtful. Listen to your gut. Thank you, Marie Kondo.
Boundaries are not selfish. They are acts of hope — seeds planted for the life you’re trying to grow. And yes, they often feel uncomfortable at first. Even now, I still get squirmy every time I say no or make space for myself. But I remind myself what Brené Brown said:
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice” (Brown, 2012).
Boundaries aren’t walls. They are trellises. They are the structure that helps you — and the people around you — grow with intention.
V. What You Can Control: Choosing Real Life Over Perfection
Growing up, I believed in the goal of perfection. I thought if I worked hard enough, tried hard enough, wanted it enough — I could be perfect. I was wrong. That belief fed the anxiety I still carry today. Perfection isn’t the goal. Connection and compassion are.
Connection, Not Performance
Thank goodness I found the book Good Inside. Kennedy has me convinced — parenting is about connection, and sometimes reconnection, not about getting it right every time. Parenting — and living — isn’t a checklist. It’s not a grocery list of tasks to complete. It’s about building, growing, and nurturing relationships — not performing perfectly (Kennedy, 2022).
So instead of asking yourself, “Did I do enough today?” try asking, “How did I connect today — with my kids, my partner, and myself?”
Self Compassion Over Guilt
And if those connections weren’t perfect? Take a breath. Miller and Strachan (2020) found that self-compassion builds healthier habits than guilt ever could. Guilt paralyzes us. Compassion empowers change — in ourselves and in our families.
When I catch myself spiraling, I try to come back to something simple: “I’m learning, not failing.” Or as Kennedy (2022) puts it, two things can be true. Catch yourself in that spiral — you deserve to be caught.
Find Real Support
Nelson et al. (2014) found that parenting is more joyful and sustainable when grounded in real relationships. Sometimes, you might feel like you’re on an island. Sometimes you may literally live on one — albeit a beautiful one. Still, the truth stands: grow your garden.
That doesn’t mean every friendship will be lifelong. It means you were never meant to do this alone. Find your people. Call your mom. Marco Polo your sisters. Build small circles of honesty and mutual care.
In Becoming, Michelle Obama talks about how essential it was for her — especially as First Lady — to have a core group of trusted women. Real, grounded friendships where she could just be herself.
“Friendships,” she said, “between women, as any woman will tell you, are built of a thousand small kindnesses...swapped back and forth and over again” (Obama, 2018, p. 305).
Of course, cultivating this garden takes intention. You can’t just scroll and hope for roots to grow. It requires vulnerability, effort, and consistent prioritization.
Practical ways to reject perfectionism
Find connections offline
Talk honestly and vulnerably with other moms
Name and reject the “perfect mother” myth
Seeing through that myth doesn’t make you a bad mom — it makes you free. Cultivating your garden of friendships is one way to remind yourself that you matter:
“The people who love you, who have your back, are the ones who make you feel that you are more than what the world sees. They remind you of your true worth.” (Obama, 2018, p. 304)
And here’s where I’ll remind you again:
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
— Anaïs Nin
Choosing real life over perfection is a daily, radical, and powerful act. It’s not about surviving motherhood or thriving in some polished, Instagram-perfect way — it’s about actually living it.
VI. Wrap-Up: Permission to Be Real
As we navigate the complexities of balancing ambition and motherhood, one thing becomes clear: boundaries aren’t just protection—they’re resistance. Every time we set a boundary, we push back against perfectionism, against comparison culture, and reclaim what’s ours—our time, energy, and identity.
Imperfection isn’t weakness. It’s strength. It’s the space where growth happens, where connection deepens, and where authenticity lives. Boundaries protect that space. They allow us to let go of the noise and focus on what truly matters: our health, our people, and our peace.
Now, it’s your turn.
Because this isn’t about perfection—it’s about honoring yourself.
This journey toward balance, joy, and fulfillment? It’s ongoing. It’s messy. It’s real. And every step you take is an act of radical self-compassion.
So I’ll leave you with this:
What would it look like to stop chasing perfection—and start living your actual, beautiful life?
You have the power to choose. You have the power to grow. And you already have permission to be exactly who you are.
Sources:
Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Spiegel & Grau.
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. Random House.
Chödrön, P. (1991). The wisdom of no escape: And the path of loving-kindness. Shambhala.
Haidt, J. (2024). The anxious generation: How the great rewiring of childhood is causing an epidemic of mental illness. Penguin Press.
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good inside: A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Harper Wave.
Lang, A. G. (2023, June 2). What is the inner critic? Definitions, examples, and ways to heal. Andrew G. Lang. https://www.andrewglang.com/blog/what-is-the-inner-critic
Miller, C. L., & Strachan, S. M. (2020). Understanding the role of mother guilt and self-compassion in health behaviors in mothers with young children. Women & Health, 60(3), 312–326. https://doi.org/10.1080/03630242.2020.1713966
Nelson, S. K., Kushlev, K., English, T., Dunn, E. W., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2014). In defense of parenthood: Children are associated with more joy than misery. Psychological Science, 25(1), 3–10. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612447798
Neff, K. (2015). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
Newport, C. (2019). Digital minimalism: Choosing a focused life in a noisy world. Portfolio.
Nin, A. (1961). Seduction of the Minotaur. Harcourt Brace Jovanovich.
Obama, M. (2018). Becoming. Crown Publishing Group.
Stinckens, N., Lietaer, G., & Leijssen, M. (2013). Working with the inner critic: Process features and pathways to change. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 12(1), 59–73. https://doi.org/10.1080/14779757.2013.767750
Tovar, L. (2020). More than a body: Your body is an instrument, not an ornament. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Verywell Mind. (n.d.). The toxic effects of negative self-talk. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/toxic-effects-of-negative-self-talk-5189596
