Finding Your Family’s Actual Priorities: Part 3 from Guilt to Growth
Understanding your load and including yourself in your list of priorities.
Saturday used to be our family adventure day—a time when we could focus on our values and enjoy quality time together. Then, a friend we met at H’s soccer practice—where Al coaches—introduced him to the local soccer referee circuit. It's been wonderful to have another side gig while we continue our search for full-time employment.
I'm deeply grateful for Al's dedication and hard work in taking on this role. However, it's also meant that our family adventure day has shifted into a solo parenting day for me. While I fully support Al's efforts, I miss our shared time together as a family.
Let’s be clear: this isn’t a post about doing it all. It’s about figuring out what actually matters to your family.
A Typical Saturday...
We usually have to wake up at 6:30AM. I try to prepare breakfast the night beforehand so we aren’t eating peanut butter crackers, but peanut butter crackers are fine.At my best I made blueberry protein muffins. But I digress.
I load the car with snacks and outfits, then carry my sleepy boys into their car seats. We drive the 30 minutes to the soccer complex and Al heads out to get his assignment.
I get the boys dressed, make sure they ate enough, and strap on their helmets. Then we bike around the complex, cheering for Al as he runs up and down the field in his vibrant orange shirt.
Eventually, I shuffle the kids back to the car with a snack and water for E, juice for H. We head to story time at a library that is usually 45 minutes from our house, but only about 30 minutes from the complex. Sometimes we meet our friends there, listen to story time, play trains and dinosaurs, and check out our four books -- we are not allowed more.
On a more ambitious day, we would enjoy homemade lunch in the plaza or park, but usually we head to McDonald’s. The one close to the library has a playland and is fast — by Puerto Rico’s standards. My boys play until they are tired.
We get snuggled in the car for E’s nap, complete with a sound machine, a blanket, his peluche (stuffed orangutan), and window shades. H rarely falls asleep -- that’s where the books we checked out really come in handy.
I still haven’t worked out the quirks of this part of the schedule. Sometimes we do a park, I’ve packed for the pool or beach, and we’ve even hung out at Costco. The hardest part is ensuring E’s nap is long enough -- are car naps ever really enough?
Then we head back to the fields: bike, watch, cheer, play, etc. We check in with Al about his schedule and figure out our dinner plans. Usually, he has a late game and is reffing past 6:30PM. So, the boys and I head to a nearby park to play before picking up dinner and then dad.
That means that we get home around 8:00 PM. I am usually totally exhausted and don’t give a calm presence during our bedtime routine -- there’s improvement, though. I’m always glad Al is there to ‘teamwork’ bedtime.
During this crazy day, there are so many of the things I feel pressured to do: support Al, educational enrichment, cultural enrichment activities, budget friendly activities, food made from scratch, great naps -- and more. While all these things are good, not being able to do some, doesn’t mean failure and they don’t actually reflect our family’s real values. What’s more is that these things that I hope to accomplish during the day require preparation, forethought, and are a pretty heavy mental load.
Let’s unpack the load and leave what matters.
The Invisible Load
Eve Rodsky introduces the concept of “invisible work,” a term she uses in Fair Play (2019) to describe the often-unseen mental load many moms carry—especially on chaotic Saturdays like mine. In this blog post, “I want to talk about what happens when we stop trying to do it all — and start figuring out what actually matters to [our families and] us” (Rodsky, 2019). 
Simplifying priorities helps families share the load of visible and invisible work. She breaks down how the mental load isn’t just about doing tasks — it’s the thinking, anticipating, planning, and worrying that goes into running a household or managing kids’ lives. Things like remembering the dentist appointment, knowing when the soccer cleats are too small, or managing bedtime routines — all of this takes up mental space, and it’s rarely seen or acknowledged (Rodsky, 2019).
I feel like our Saturday’s are a clear example because Al is doing really important work, we need the income. That being said, the mental load that goes into my Saturdays with the boys is quite heavy.
Understanding the Invisible Load in Parenting
In her book, Rodsky challenges the societal narrative that equates being a good mom with doing everything — often alone. Sometimes I feel that way. On particularly overwhelming days, balancing family priorities and personal ambition feels too heavy — and I don’t always respond to the weight in a graceful way. Rodsky encourages women to reexamine where these expectations come from — and whether they actually align with their values. Al encourages me, too. It’s a bit of a work in progress for me. Poco a poco.I love the idea that Rodsky introduces: that equality isn’t just about who does what — it’s about ownership of tasks and boundaries. If one partner is always the default or backup, it creates an imbalance that erodes time, ambition, and self-worth. Saturday may be my default day, but as Al and I review the week, we can find times where I can switch and be the backup as well. Finding those ways to truly share the load is what this post is all about: what is really important to our -- and your -- family?
Section 1: Why Do We Feel Like We Have to Do It All?
Before I talk more about how to figure out those priorities, I want to call out the mom guilt, cultural garbage that I feel. There are biased cultural expectations of what a “good mom” or “good family” should look like. This may be meals always made from scratch, spotless homes, early bedtimes, endless activities, etc. Often social media amplifies the guilt or shame parents may feel from not living up to these impossible standards of “good.” These are unrealistic standards.I remember once Al said something to me along the lines of, “I think you could do anything, but you don’t have to do everything.” Sometimes these cultural pressures make me feel as if, in order to be “good,” I do need to do everything. Henderson et al. (2016) discuss this in relation to “intensive mothering,” which sets up unrealistic expectations for what it means to be a “good mom” in Western society. These pressures can amplify guilt, especially when moms feel they’re falling short of some invisible, ever-rising standard (Henderson et al., 2016).
Identifying Your Family’s Core Values
This cultural standard demands constant presence, endless emotional labor, mastering parental “best practices,” and self sacrifice at the cost of personal ambition, among other things. Feeling guilt for not reaching this standard of “intensive mothering” is not personal weakness. Kirkpatrick and Lee (2022) explain how social media compounds this by constantly showcasing idealized versions of parenting, leaving moms feeling like they’re never enough.
This distorted lens reinforces guilt, especially for moms who are balancing ambition and caregiving (Kirkpatrick & Lee, 2022). And Verduyn et al. (2017) found that passive social media use—like scrolling while tired or overwhelmed—can actually increase feelings of comparison and dissatisfaction. Let’s call it what it is and acknowledge that, even though we may not be intensive mothers, we are good mothers. It’s time to weed out the things that we don’t need.
The trick is narrowing down, from all the incredibly good priorities out there, what of those things aren’t actually the things that matter most to us?
Section 2: Figuring Out What Really Matters
Let’s go back to the quote from my last post:"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.”
— Steinbeck, East of Eden (1952)
When you have a minute (for me, that’s during nap time, after bedtime, while cooking dinner, or driving with Eat Your Spanish blasting), think about what’s actually important to you — not Pinterest-perfect ideals, not what someone on the internet says you “should” care about.
As Eve Rodsky reminds us in Finding Your Unicorn Space, carving out a little room for curiosity and creativity isn’t selfish. It’s how we remember who we are beyond laundry piles and school drop-offs. Giving yourself time to create, explore, or just feel inspired, isn’t a luxury — it’s how you stay connected to who you are. “What mattered most for mothers’ well-being was not how well they performed the tasks of motherhood, but the presence of emotional support and alignment with their core selves” (Luthar & Ciciolla, 2016). Your identity matters — not just as a parent or partner, but as you. YOU matter. What you value matters.
In fact, research backs this up. Luthar and Ciciolla (2016) found that maternal well-being had far less to do with “perfect” parenting than with feeling supported and staying true to personal values. It’s not the performance of motherhood that matters most, but the alignment with what actually feels meaningful to you.
So, write them down. Take a mental note. Give yourself space to think about your values.
Letting Go of Guilt to Align with Family Priorities
Now, think about your future and your family. What values connect? Talk to your kids, your partner, your family. What are common values that you share?
For me and my family, we love adventure, nature, learning through experience, building faith in God, connecting with each other, being flexible and forgiving, among other things. It’s not a permanent list by any means — just a good place to start.
The application of values is where this can get tricky. For us, going on a walk sometimes takes precedence over having a clean house. Al and I forgo tidying up at the end of the day to reconnect with each other. We are still working out the kinks. Sometimes, doing it all comes at your own expense. You don’t deserve that.
Make priorities. Give yourself grace. Choose what matters — and let go of the rest.
Section 3: Letting Go Without Guilt
I’ll be the first to admit that letting go of things that don’t align is just hard. Sometimes I feel like I messed up somehow. Remember, some things may seem important, but if they don’t serve your family, don’t let them stress you out. 
I have an absolutely wonderful group of friends. Every Tuesday, we meet together and the dads play spikeball at the beach. This winter, we started meeting in a friend’s pool. For some reason, this was hard for me. It aligned with our family’s values. My boys liked going. Something wasn’t working.
After thinking about it — talking with my sister on Marco Polo — I realized that, for whatever reason, the preparation involved with meeting my girls at the pool began to be too much. So, on particularly stressful days, I opted out. H, E, and I went to the beach and played instead. Letting go of the pool obligation made meeting with those friends easier. Letting go actually helped us all enjoy Tuesday a little more.
Here’s what I’m learning: Letting go isn’t the same as giving up. Letting go is not synonymous with 'giving up.'” For me, it meant showing up in a more present, values-aligned way. Miller and Strachan (2020) echoed this in their research, showing that moms who let go of unattainable ideals and embraced “good enough” parenting reported greater emotional well-being.
Creating Space for What Truly Matters
For me, it meant showing up in a more present, values-aligned way. Like Lisa-Jo Baker says, “You are not the only thing holding everything together.” Those words felt like an exhale I didn’t know I was holding. Letting go meant trusting that love—not perfection—was what held us close.Sometimes letting go of things feels like failure, like “giving up.” Don’t let yourself think that. Remind yourself, I am making choices that align our lives with things that we value most. Give yourself permission to choose what works. Be kind. “When mothers treat themselves with kindness during perceived failures, guilt and shame are reduced. Self-compassion offers a buffer against the internalized belief that they’re not doing enough” (Miller & Strachan, 2020).
Find what you value. Prioritize that. Let yourself also deprioritize what isn’t aligned with those values.
Section 4: Creating Space for What Matters
This process takes time. Even now, as I sit with my Coke Zero and Brookside chocolates, blogging while my son naps and the other plays nearby. Am I doing the right thing?Yes.
I find so much value and purpose in creating, in writing this. Still, that voice creeps in: I’m a bad mom. I should be doing something different. The judgment — whether it’s the annoying voice in your own head or a side comment from someone else — is always going to be there.
My sister told me something that helped her: once she realized that no matter how perfect she tried to be, someone would always find a reason to criticize, she could let go. She could breathe.
And that’s the shift. When we stop chasing “shoulds” and cut out the noise, we start building something more powerful: peace.
As Martin Seligman reminds us in Flourish (2011), well-being doesn’t come from achievement alone — it’s rooted in meaning, engagement, and connection. These tiny moments — writing while my kids play, picking mangos from a sidewalk tree, laughing through chaos — they matter.
Studies have found that this kind of alignment with personal values and relationships is actually what sustains moms’ well-being — not living up to perfectionist ideals (Luthar & Ciciolla, 2016). And when we offer ourselves compassion in the face of all that pressure, our guilt starts to loosen its grip (Miller & Strachan, 2020).
My family has found so much joy in simple, ordinary adventures. A trip to Rio. A mango hunt at the park. A Thursday night walk instead of laundry. More joy. Less burnout. That’s what I’m choosing today.
Closing: Permission to Choose Your Own Path
I hope we have the courage to make these choices together. We can do anything, but we do NOT have to do everything. You’re allowed to write your own story. Your priorities are valid, even if they don’t look like anyone else’s. You’re allowed to choose what matters most and let go of what doesn’t.So, try to do two things this week (or at some point):
- Reflect on your top 3-5 family values
- Let go of things that aren’t serving you or your family
What family values are most important to you? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
For more behind-the-scenes looks at our family adventures, follow us on Instagram @AdventureswithSarahandAl.
Next week we’ll talk more about those pesky voices in Post 4: Combatting the Comparison Trap and Setting Boundaries.
Sources
Baker, L.-J. (2019). The middle matters: Why that (extra)ordinary life looks really good on you. WaterBrook.Henderson, A. C., Harmon, S. M., & Newman, H. D. (2016). The price mothers pay, even when they are not buying it: Mental health consequences of idealized motherhood. Sex Roles, 74(11–12), 512–526. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-015-0534-5
Kirkpatrick, C., & Lee, J. Y. (2022). The impact of social media on maternal guilt and well-being: A review of current literature. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 31(8), 2113–2126. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-021-02104-4
Luthar, S. S., & Ciciolla, L. (2016). Who mothers mommy? Factors that contribute to maternal well-being. Developmental Psychology, 52(8), 1370–1384. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000183
Miller, C. C., & Strachan, L. K. (2020). Redefining success in motherhood: The power of letting go of perfection. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(6), 730–741. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000627
Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair play: A game-changing solution for when you have too much to do (and more life to live). G. P. Putnam’s Sons.
Rodsky, E. (2021). Find your unicorn space: Reclaim your creative life in a too-busy world. G. P. Putnam’s Sons.
Steinbeck, J. (1952). East of Eden. Viking Press.Verduyn, P., Ybarra, O., Résibois, M., Jonides, J., & Kross, E. (2017). Do social network sites enhance or undermine subjective well-being? A critical review. Social Issues and Policy Review, 11(1), 274–302. https://doi.org/10.1111/sipr.12033
